Each of my entries will fall into 5 categories.
1) IT’S NOT A TUMAH. I was diagnosed with a 4mm mass in my pituitary gland one year ago. I’m not dying or anything. It just means that due to the elevation of a particular hormone, my body thinks I’m pregnant when I’m not. I used to get the puking, and the bloating, and the hot flashes, and the mood swings. I’m fine now, though due to acupuncture and the 400 different kinds of Chinese herbs that I take every day. I love Chinese people. Maybe more than I love fried chicken.
2) I HATE PEOPLE. You may think this is a joke. But if I don’t know you, or if I haven’t heard of you, I pretty much hate you. I think people are stupid. I think people don’t think. This, of course, is an overgeneralization. But yeah, overgenerally, I hate people. (It occurs to me that I should revise this section to make it less, er, militant. But I don’t want to. Moreover, please do comment on my blog. I will respond, my claims that I want to be left the hell alone and that I hate people notwithstanding. I claim to only hate people I don’t know. So if you comment, then I’ll know you and I won’t hate you. It makes sense in my addled brain. Also, it’s the tumor talking. Bear with me. If you get to know me, you’ll realize that I’m quite nice! Heh. No really I am. Like a unicorn. Or a puppy.)
3) I HATE THE WORLD. I may have overstated my hatred for people. It’s not so much that I hate individual people. It’s more that I hate the masses. I hate what’s going on in the world, specifically this country, right now. And I hate uninformed, ig’nant, intellectually lazy ass motherfrackers who won’t take time to look around and see that this country is being run into the ground by morons. Pretty soon we might have to rise up which is one of the myriad reasons I’ve got 250 cans of corned beef hash in the trunk of my car. Because nothing says “revolution” like a breakfast of corned beef hash and scrambled eggs. Viva la revolucion!!! Also, nothing says “gastrointestinal distress” like 250 cans of corned beef hash, but that’s a story for another day.
4) I’M BATSHIT INSANE. I’m not really. But I play one on tv. I’m definitely more than a little kooky, but in a nice way. Come closer… do not be afraid. I won’t bite. Hard.
5) SHINY HAPPY SHIT. Sometimes I do feel sappy, and when I become Sappy Sapperstein and feel like talking about love, or my family, or my dog, or puppies wrapped in scarves or kittens prancing in the snow, this is the category for that kind of shiny happy shit. Don’t expect too many entries here.
6) UNCATEGORIZED: For shit that just don’t fit nowhere else.
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I always did like your blog. Now it has it’s own space! Aw!
IF YOU REALLY THINK ABOUT IT, IT’S NOT THAT YOU HATE PEOPLE. You hate assholes that spit on you and try to steal your money, perverts that harm children, rapists and murderers- but outside that group of winners, people in general are not that bad. Perhaps you are delusional at times, you are going through A LOT. But remember, you love people – that’s why you have so many friends – all of whom were random stangers at one point. Remember me? We are so different on first glance. I am brooding and anti social, you are like the girl who has sleepovers and invites all the popular people. Now we are inseperable. In a way. You have a hard shell. But on the inside you’re all sweet, like M & M’s. I think the tumor and life’s crAziness makes you feel like you could blow everyone up and pull out someone’s tongue if they smile at you as you walk your dog. But actually, newsflash, it is not all about you! It is important to remember that we are all going through something. You never know. So while I agree that I too hate some people that I don’t know, especially those who harm children, I would like to believe that there is something worthwile in the rest of us. I know you do too! So I am calling you out as a liar. You love us. And them. At least sometimes.
it is to all about me!
i don’t really hate all people, you’re right. and i’m calling YOU out. you’re not antisocial and brooding. you’re like sunshine and rainbows. remember in new delhi? “there’s a dog following our rickshaw! we have to pick it up! it wants to be with us.” I’m all “dude, we’re are not bringing that mangy ass dog with us back to the Y.”
xoxo
You remember a lot for someone with a pituitary tumor. Now get me a beer. And some Popeyes.
C-
I went to Popeye’s last time. It’s DEFINITELY your turn! Ok, fine. We’ll go in together, but YOU have to order. I can’t talk. *They know.*
Just stumbled across your blog. I have a 4 mm pituitary adenoma, too.
My tumah is just way cooler than yours, because it shrunk a full mm!
Pickles- My tumor can beat your tumor in a thumbwrestling contest. True story.
You wanna put the tumors to a milk-pissing contest?