I have been tagged by hag extraordinaire and NOLA goddess, Cait:
The Rules: This is what’s up:
OK HERE WE GO!!!
1. I bought a peacoat today. I will be able kill cold weather in the face whilst wearing this peacoat.
Behold! My peacoat of death!
2. I just put my shoes on, I’m really hungry, but I don’t know what I’m going to eat. On most days, I’m 10 blocks and one bad decision away from eating KFC. It doesn’t help that my doggie day care place is next to KFC.
I could kick Colonel Sanders’ ass. He’s a drunk mint julep drinkin’ bastard.
3. I have a small bladder. I will often go an entire day without drinking the proper amount of water because I don’t feel like trudging to the bathroom every twenty minutes. I drink an entire day’s worth of water between the hours of approximately 7 pm and 12 am. I have a friend who calls me Tiny Tanks.
A different variety of tiny tank. This one has an adjustable strap.
4. My preferred alcoholic beverage of choice is scotch. I think that scotch complements my Tiny Tankitude quite nicely. Scotch and my bladder are like peas and carrots. Before my friend Sandeep introduced me to the Wide World of Whiskey, I used to drink beer. I would go to bars. And drink beer. And I would pee. And drink more beer. And then pee again. When I moved to LA, which has a shockingly dismal “chick” to “bathroom” ratio, it got so bad that I would just have the waitress (or a friend) bring me beer while I stood in line for the bathroom. Now I drink scotch and I laugh at those silly girls standing in line at the bathroom. Scotch is a traditionally “male” drink. It’s also a drink for intelligent women who don’t want to pee all day.
If you’re not careful, peeing could land you in JAIL.
5. I’m pretty sure the Magic Cone is the goddamn weirdest thing ever invented. I mean seriously. Just look at this thing:
No. No, I am not pleased. Now pull up your unnerwears, you two dimensional whore.
Where do I begin? First, no, I do not want to pee standing up. I prefer sitting comfortably, or, in public bathroom scenarios, squatting precariously while trying not to let any of my person or possessions touch any surfaces.
Second, I think that the geniuses behind the Magic Cone are also the geniuses at Wikipedia who felt it necessary to explain to me how to properly “eliminate a wet seat” in the bathroom. Apparently I’ve been running afoul of rule number 1 (“Always look before you sit!”). I’ve been wandering stupidly into bathroom stalls, and parking my ass on anything that was at ass-level. I may or may not have peed on a midget once–a tragedy that could have been avoided had I only followed the advice of the brilliant men and women at Wikipedia and looked before I sat.
Third, the animation for this little contraption is 85% poorly animated, 100% hilarious, and about 10% pornographic. She pulled down her unnerwears! Right there on my computer screen! Pretty graphic!
Magic Cone: Chicks with [bleeeeeep!!!!]
6. I am giving in and going to KFC. I will just have to kick the Dread Colonel Sanders’ ass after I eat his delicious drumsticks.
I will beat the Colonel over the head with this juicy and delicious fried chicken leg. Bone. I said chicken bone. ::burp::
FIN
I don’t know who to tag. I don’t even know that many people with blogs that might even pay attention to the fact that I tagged them. And most of my blogger amigos/gas have specific blogs about specific stuff–like FOOD and BEER–not blogs about whatever the heck they feel like writing about that day.
Well, here goes:
The nominees for most likely to curse my name as soon as they see this post are: Miss Ellen; Ms. Susan Immaeatchu, Mr. SloeBlahBlog, Ms. M.I.A. Jujubees, Mr. Keebler, and Ms. Evil Twin.
21 Comments
Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI
Leave a comment
[...] Go to see the original [...]
I want KFC now. BUT, I want a side of Boston Market’s mac ‘n’ cheese with it. That shits heavenly, yeaux.
P.S. you need a trumpet to go with your peacoat.
I don’t know why.
Your time change almost threw a HUGE wrench into my world’s cog.
Oh, look. I’m the asshole who leaves multiple comments on blog postings. My life is complete.
but you’re MY asshole, MAE, so keep it up, lady!
Shit! I don’t even remember the password to my bloggy-blog. It might take me a bit to fulfill this obligation.
I luuuuuuuuuurve the peacoat, but you filthy whore, Popeye’s can kick the Colonel’s ass. Seriously, some spicy chicken from Popeye’s will kill the Colonel right in his wee, beady eyes.
I concur with Cait. Except Boston Market’s mac ‘n’ cheese will pwn Popeye’s and the Colonel’s chicken.
i agree. i ended up going to popeye’s instead of kfc.
also, there’s apparently a boston market in north hollywood. i drove by it and was all “WTF?!” i haven’t seen a Boston Market since back in ol’ VIrginny.
I feel slightly dirty after reading your post. Going to take a shower now.
Please compile all of your works-o-blog together into a nice little package of book hilarity.
I can think of SO many book titles. (in no particular order….)
1. Stop the Madness
2. iMadness
3. iMani : Rantings and Ridiculousness
4. For the Love of Scotch…
5. A Long Story Longer…
6. I Heart Lightbulbs
7. Things I say to Glenlivet
and I will stop now….but I think you get the point.
ha! syndey. those are brilliant.
hopefully my trip down under will give me more fodder for mad ramblings.
“For the Love of Scotch…”
so.good.
Are you all trying to keep it klassy with a ‘c’, and not mention the Magic Cone?
I can’t stop laughing.
the magic cone is not a joke, MBP!!!!11111one
Where -where in God’s name, I ask you! – is there a Boston Market in ole Virginny? I NEED TO KNOW. I have lived here lo these 8 long years and seen hair nor hide nor leg of one. I haven’t seen one since I lived in ole Miami, in fact.
I had to post this before continuing with this thread.
It was THAT important.
TELL ME WHERE.
i think if you add “ole” to anything, it makes it sound southern. or mexican.
OLE!
there is (or at least was) a boston market in charlottesville in the shopping center where the harris teeter is… or as we like to call it, the “hairy teet.”
Sarah there are Boston Markets aplenty in Northern Virginia. (Although I know that NoVa isn’t “REAL” Virginia.) There is one in Charlottesville, and a couple down in the Newport News/ Hampton areas, but that’s about it.
well helloooooo ms. skor!!
So I was so curious about Magic cone that I googled it, it’s real, it’s bizarre, and I’ll take 3.
oh crap! totally forgot you tagged me. dang, you are so bloggerish. it so much work tho! i’ll get on it. soon. see you later!