No one is a bigger procrastinator than I am. No one.
My kitchen is totally dark at night and has been totally dark for probably about two months because the light bulbs in the light fixture for my kitchen light went out and I have not yet gotten them replaced.
I have attempted to get them replaced, mind you. I even removed the bulbs from the fixture and put them in a little box which I put in my car so that if I ever made it to Home Depot or Light Bulbs R Us, I would know exactly what kind of light bulb to get. You’re probably thinking “jesus christ on a crouton, just go to the drug store and buy a goddamn light bulb.” If only it were that simple, my friends. if only it were that simple.
The light bulbs I require are halogen light bulbs. Halogen light bulbs are an entirely extraordinary beast of bulb. If regular lightbulbs are horses, then halogen light bulbs are unicorns. They are mythical. The tears of a halogen light bulb have magical powers. Did you know you can’t return a halogen light bulb to the store after you’ve bought it? It’s like, once you touch it, you are bound to it forever. It’s yours. You can’t get rid of it. But then you’re not really supposed to touch them with your bare skin. It hurts them. Did you know this about halogen light bulbs? it’s a true story.
Every time you touch a halogen light bulb with your bare hands, an angel loses its wings.
So I needed halogen light bulbs, And not those long ones that you need for those lamps that everyone had in college. You know the lamps I’m talking about– they were blazing hot, and often a fire hazard, and when you turned them on, they lit up not only your bedroom, but the entire fucking block. I’m telling you, you can see those lamps from space.
In college, we used to light our cigarettes off these lamps. These lamps are not safe. They will kill your children.
So last night I’m standing in the kitchen attempting to make food in the dark, telling my friend about how it’s been months and I really need to get a light bulb. “Man, if I’d ordered the damn lightbulbs online, I could have had them months ago.” Then I thought about this.
“You know what? I’m going to go order lightbulbs online right now.”
Then I thought about that.
“Oh forget it, I don’t feel like dealing with it right now, I’ll do it later.”
No more than five seconds passed between my first and second statements. I’m telling you, I barely had time to breathe between exclaiming that I had to buy the light bulbs “right now” and sighing “oh, I’ll do it later.”
Maybe I’ll go to Home Depot on my way home.
Maybe.
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When I first moved into my place in October 06, I bought some shelves from Ikea, and some silverware hanging things.
The shelves are still in a box under my bed, and I don’t know what happened to the silverware stuff. Also? There’s an empty light socket in my kitchen that needs a bulb. I have the bulb, but I need a ladder to get to the socket. It’s been empty since I moved in.
And I still haven’t done my taxes (something you know a little something about). I’d say we should start a procrastinator’s club, but I doubt we’d ever get around to it.
jennae-
hahahaha. well put!!
this reminds me of when i called you and you weren’t gonna be home for another hour so i “decided” to go to the gym before going to your house… you encouraged me, and i even said i prolly wouldn’t make it there… and of course on my way home i thought of returning my stuff at the beverly center instead of going to the gym… then ended up not going to return my stuff and was an hour LATE to your place. wtf was i doing?
procrastinating, my favorite pastime.
i, too, am quite the procrastinator….however, i do have to give credit to you…yesterday, you took the initiative to get the pizza for everyone!
that’s true, i sure did! i’m awesome.
hahahahahahaha,,,,
“Every time you touch a halogen light bulb with your bare hands, an angel loses its wings”.
so funny.
you are hilarious. you may be an incessant procrastinator, but you do pretty speedy and hilarious editorials!
i can totally relate. my dining room and closet are in the same exact shape, with the kitchen halfway there. there is no way in hell i am going to figure out the kitchen light, though. it’s fluorescent and roddy, or something. and you have to like, lift up a panel or something to get to it. fuckin a!! all i need is a *small* deterrent and it will not get done. you know how it is. obviously
i bought a poster from san francisco two years ago planning to frame it. it’s still in its cylinder container in my closet. i bought a set of plates months and months ago and i still haven’t taken off the sticker. only bc i tried to take it off one and it was pure hell! i’ll get around to it someday though.
Are you still cooking in the dark? It’s been over a month without an update…
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